Practical Homesteading

How to Cut Down a Tree in 28 Easy Steps (from my husband’s perspective)

Written by

fzangl1

in

,
  1. Fix lineman spikes that broke yesterday.
  2. Test the repaired spikes by climbing and cutting down a dead pine in your parents’ yard.
  3. Pose for pictures because your wife thinks this is pretty cool.
  4. Try to fix the chainsaw that quit mid-climb. Fail.
  5. Grab another chainsaw.
  6. Buy gas for said chainsaw.
  7. Get lunch. Listen to wife fume because they gave her sweet tea instead of unsweet.
  8. Finally arrive at the tree.
  9. Spend 20 minutes trying to start the skid loader parked 3 feet from your work zone. Whisper sweet nothings. Caress it. Nothing.
  10. Place the skid loader in time out.
  11. Climb and start limbing.
  12. Ignore wife and dad warning about branches hitting the eavestrough and phone line. It’s just a phone line…
  13. Try, fail, and give up on the skid loader again.
  14. Hang from a limb in a way that makes wife and dad extra nervous.
  15. Shake head as wife demands a “secluded spot” to pee rather than drive to the gas station a half-mile away.
  16. Give the skid loader one last chance. It finally roars to life. Move the damn thing before it dies again.
  17. Cut the final branch.
  18. Wave proudly to bystanders.
  19. Wrap rope around a big limb. Ask dad to guide it as you cut.
  20. Ask dad to lower you down with rope. Appreciate his creative interpretation of “lower,” which leaves you dangling halfway.
  21. Chat with impressed bystander while regaining circulation.
  22. Wrap rope around tree trunk; hook it to the truck.
  23. Examine the 1910s-era whiskey bottle your bystander buddy proudly shows off.
  24. Cut a wedge in the direction the tree should fall.
  25. Have dad ease the truck forward while wife hammers in a plastic wedge so the saw doesn’t jam.
  26. Watch the tree crash down exactly as planned. Feel the earth shake.
  27. Admire the glorious wooden carnage.
  28. Leave. This list ends with cutting, not cleanup. Besides, the skid loader’s blocking the truck in the driveway anyway—perfect excuse to call it a day.

If this wild ride through homegrown “engineering” and accidental heroism brought a smile (or had you shaking your head in sympathy), hit that like button! Share this post so your fellow weekend warriors know they’re not alone in the chaos.

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